Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Adult Code 1
Controlled chaos. No not even that. There's really no chaos. Even with 18 people in and around the room as I counted at one point. Everyone has their set job to do. There's no yelling and things don't really move as fast as you would think. There's 3 minutes in between epi's. Three minutes is a lot longer than you would imagine. Chest compressions are a lot harder and faster than you'd think, rocking the bed from side to side.
The eeriest part is the wide, unseeing eyes, still open. That's what got me. I was fine until that point. There was no one left inside.
Again I told myself, you can lose it when you get home. But you have to keep it together here. Deal with it later. Even afterwards, when his wife came running down the hall, heaving "we're too late, we're too late I know it". Keep it together. Feel later.
It's amazing how disconnected you can be from human suffering when you tell yourself to. Frightening really.
And after. When they become a not person, an unperson. As if they never truly were.It's disconcerting to me how easy it was, how people joke and laugh. Because you have to. You have to laugh because you have to move on.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Critical Care?!
I never expected to like critical care... I came into this program assuming that I would graduate and get a job in Labor and Delivery. Interesting thing is, turns out I didn't much like L&D in the hospital.
And then along came my final semester of nursing school with critical care nursing. Our clinicals are on a basic medical floor, but with slightly sicker patients than med surg. More like a progressive care unit.. kind of.
But this clinical involves observations in the ICU, Trauma/Neuro ICU, Cardiovascular ICU and ER. ICU was my first observation of the semester. I really liked it.
I like that you have to think on your feet. That you have to be clued in to your patients and watching for small changes in their conditions that may mean big problems. I like that you have use your brain. This is also what scares me about ICU. You are the one that is responsible for this perhaps VERY SICK patient. So you have to HAVE A BRAIN.
Lately I'm struggling with feeling like I can't do this job. I'm in my last semester, you'd think that I would have most of this figured out. You'd think that I'd feel more secure in my choice and in my role as a nurse. NOPE. In some ways.. maybe. Some things aren't as hard as they used to be. Things like bed baths (although I'm still not great at them..), vitals, head to toe assessments.
But I've only gotten one blood draw and I've attempted four now. I've started one IV out of two. Not horrible odds... BUT ONE IV START?? Really? I've done one in and out cath on a woman after childbirth. One patient with an ostomy. I've done IV push meds and given oral meds, crushed up meds, etc. No NG tubes, no drains (although I've seen some). No big clinical procedures!
But the vast amount of SHIT I DON'T KNOW scares me. My first day on the unit for this semester I royally screwed up a lot of the charting I did. On ONE patient. What about when I have 2-6??
What about when I graduate in.. oh, LESS THAN TWO MONTHS and try to go find a job somewhere.
How can I convince someone that I am worth hiring when I'm feeling hopelessly stupid?
This is not even to consider the beast that is the NCLEX and how I don't feel ready for that. That at least I have time to study for after I graduate. Once I get out of school, I feel like I'm supposed to actually know some shit. And lately I just don't feel like I do.
Is this normal? This impostor syndrome when you get close to the end of school? Will it get better?
This was supposed to be a post about how I learned I love critical care... and yet somehow it morphed into a word vomit of feelings on nursing school in general.
Regardless, I do love critical care now. I spent a day on the Trauma/Neuro ICU and LOVED IT. I could see myself working there. If only I could get over this feeling that I can't do any type of nursing.
But alas, jobs are hard to come by in this area so I may be taking any nursing job I can get for now.
Did you feel like this at the end of nursing school?? Did you feel better when you actually got a job and started settling in?
And then along came my final semester of nursing school with critical care nursing. Our clinicals are on a basic medical floor, but with slightly sicker patients than med surg. More like a progressive care unit.. kind of.
But this clinical involves observations in the ICU, Trauma/Neuro ICU, Cardiovascular ICU and ER. ICU was my first observation of the semester. I really liked it.
I like that you have to think on your feet. That you have to be clued in to your patients and watching for small changes in their conditions that may mean big problems. I like that you have use your brain. This is also what scares me about ICU. You are the one that is responsible for this perhaps VERY SICK patient. So you have to HAVE A BRAIN.
Lately I'm struggling with feeling like I can't do this job. I'm in my last semester, you'd think that I would have most of this figured out. You'd think that I'd feel more secure in my choice and in my role as a nurse. NOPE. In some ways.. maybe. Some things aren't as hard as they used to be. Things like bed baths (although I'm still not great at them..), vitals, head to toe assessments.
But I've only gotten one blood draw and I've attempted four now. I've started one IV out of two. Not horrible odds... BUT ONE IV START?? Really? I've done one in and out cath on a woman after childbirth. One patient with an ostomy. I've done IV push meds and given oral meds, crushed up meds, etc. No NG tubes, no drains (although I've seen some). No big clinical procedures!
But the vast amount of SHIT I DON'T KNOW scares me. My first day on the unit for this semester I royally screwed up a lot of the charting I did. On ONE patient. What about when I have 2-6??
What about when I graduate in.. oh, LESS THAN TWO MONTHS and try to go find a job somewhere.
How can I convince someone that I am worth hiring when I'm feeling hopelessly stupid?
This is not even to consider the beast that is the NCLEX and how I don't feel ready for that. That at least I have time to study for after I graduate. Once I get out of school, I feel like I'm supposed to actually know some shit. And lately I just don't feel like I do.
Is this normal? This impostor syndrome when you get close to the end of school? Will it get better?
This was supposed to be a post about how I learned I love critical care... and yet somehow it morphed into a word vomit of feelings on nursing school in general.
Regardless, I do love critical care now. I spent a day on the Trauma/Neuro ICU and LOVED IT. I could see myself working there. If only I could get over this feeling that I can't do any type of nursing.
But alas, jobs are hard to come by in this area so I may be taking any nursing job I can get for now.
Did you feel like this at the end of nursing school?? Did you feel better when you actually got a job and started settling in?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)